Dissecting Relationships: A Deep Dive

Human beings often seek romantic relationships with selected paramours in the hopes that they will be by their side till their last breath. To many a Nigerian, this kind of semi-permanent arrangement is otherwise known as the institution of marriage. Throughout history (till today), the Nigerian people wed to continue their bloodline, as an act of peacekeeping, to gain legitimacy in business dealings, to inherit property and resources, as a means of escaping abject poverty, avoid tense family dynamics and lastly, for love. This piece is not meant to be a judgemental diatribe from a moral high horse, taking the piss out of and railing against all marriages in Lagos or a man-hating rant tearing down married guys. Some women cheat on their husbands quite frequently too. All is in fair in adultery and war.

In the Lagosian society this author grew up in, marriage seemed to be a complicated farce that reinforced the patriarchal ties which weaved through the fabric of the different cultural communities. Basically, several women had to give up their educational pursuits, dreams and career goals to become a housewife and mother to their husband’s children; thereby creating a co-dependent relationship where she is often at a disadvantage. *Why did I call some Lagos marriages a farce, one may ask? To me, monogamy seemed to be an illusion; a concept that some of the male populace failed to understand, grasp or respect. First of all, the married men deliberately do not wear their wedding rings so women think they are free agents. The social media equivalent of this interesting strategy is the creation of fake profiles, pages and secret appearances on dating apps.

Second of all, a lot of men got married to get access to lucrative business contracts because there is an unspoken notion that if one can head a household, then one is responsible enough to handle large-scale projects and financial dealings. Third of all, members of the boys club encourage each other to pick up mistresses or ‘side chicks’ and vow to keep all their ‘extracurricular activities’ under wraps so the wives are none the wiser. In a lot of nightclubs on a Friday or Saturday night, married men are ‘jollyficating’ i.e., drinking booze and chatting up girls young enough to be their daughters, whilst their spouses are at home,
changing diapers or sitting alone at the dinner table staring at the clock.

The most perplexing and confusing thing is the reason these men list as a justification for cheating on their wives. “A man cannot eat rice every day.” This delightful phrase suggests that a man needs variety, to feed a rapacious appetite which translates to multiple partners in his sex life. These men also expect their wives to “eat rice every day.” The idea that a woman also craves variety is somehow incredibly inconceivable. Double standard, anyone? Cheating is so commonplace that many people do not call or consider it adultery. Food for
thought indeed.

On the other side of the spectrum, I did come across a lot of women who took up lovers outside of their matrimonial homes. It was either a revenge situation to get back at their straying husbands, or a coping mechanism to survive the stressful insanity that comes with living in the mad city of Lagos, or a way of curing the deep void of loneliness that comes with having an emotionally and physically absent husband or a way of ‘earning’ money and gaining access to resources beyond their financial capabilities or a way of regaining some semblance of their previous sensual selves after devoting their entire being to the children. Whatever the reasons may be, some married people in Lagos have not been able to uphold the vows they made before God, family and friends. They ignore the hurt and betrayal their partners will experience upon discovery of their extra-marital dalliances, or they grossly underestimate the consequences of their decisions on the children who may need therapy in the future to unlearn the toxic romantic patterns of infidelity modelled by dad and mum.

There is an argument to be made that a lot of Nigerians in the baby boomer generation grew up in polygamous homes and so the numerous partner set-up is familiar and the only amorous arrangement they knew. It can also be said that relationships are complex connections that sometimes exist outside a black-and-white world. Until one is in a particular circumstance, it would be the height of hubris to say you can predict your actions if found in the same compromising situations. The idea of monogamy may seem traditional or ‘old-school’ to a lot of people but if one takes the time to truly analyse what a lifetime commitment meant, perhaps the concept would not be so foreign. Temptation comes in many forms. There is no shame in fleeing in the opposite direction to preserve and protect your marital union. One must make a daily decision to either seek comfort elsewhere or honour your life-partner. The choice lies with you.

*For all intents and purposes, this article is not referring to all marriages.