The Rude Phenomenon

As a 90s baby, I was very familiar with the sitcom, Will and Grace. This side-splitting series, in its prime was (and still is) considered to be ground-breaking, depicting an insanely close relationship between a gay man (portrayed by Eric McCormack) and a straight woman (portrayed by the red-headed siren, Debra Messing). On a hot summer’s day, in the soothing, welcoming cool of my room, I scrolled through my Instagram and came across a reel from Ms Messing’s official Insta page. The lovely filmmaker, artiste and podcaster felt compelled to share and recount the details of an inappropriate, disrespectful and unpleasant interaction with total strangers, on the streets of New York City. She said 2 people walked up to her and told her that she was sooooo much prettier in person. Emphasis on the emphasised word. I know, right? She was speechless and sputtering because she could not believe their total disregard for her feelings. How exactly was she supposed to take that statement? It explicitly gave the impression that she does not look good on-screen. Like, how can someone be so bold? People (on-screen & IRL) often crack jokes about how living in NYC is the same as the crass, riddled with-insults dumpster fire that is Twitter. Since I have not left JFK before the year 2000, I cannot offer any personal insight to the validity of that comment but the content of the Messing video definitely got me thinking. When did the human race become so f**king rude? Pardon my French. Never been a fan of the f word, but I am swearing for the sake of weight and irony. Seriously. Riddle me this. When did it become okay to hurt unknown persons this way? Hurl expletives, insults, verbally assault strangers?

Not to toot my own horn, but one of the great things about me is my natural curiosity and willingness to learn. Many a topic has been explored by my inquisitive mind. One of the working theories floating around in more than a few psychologically-focused academic articles is that miserable people in pain have no way of working out their pain in a healthy, constructive way so they spew venom and poison because it provides a momentary distraction from the loud noise of their sorrow. The phrase, “Misery loves company” is not just a 16th-century poetic English translation of the Latin phrase coined by Christopher Marlow, to express that ‘tis a comfort to the unfortunate to have had companions in woe. It seems to be the ethos by which a large section of the pained Internet live by. Another theory, is that the anonymity of the Internet gives people permission to type terrible things to strangers they secretly admire or obviously hate. To quote someone (clears throat *it’s me*) Really That’s what we are going with? Seriously?  

Instead of encouraging, edifying, healing, mending, emboldening, inspiring, building up; we tear down other beings, no, other strangers, by saying things we would never dream of saying to their face. Merely hiding behind a veil of anonymous secrecy which can be used as a shield for protected free speech, under the guise of expressing one’s opinion, is a cop-out. The rationale is that celebrities or famous people live a part of their lives in full view of the global citizenry, which translates to them being public domain. Their fashion, parenting, artistic, content creation choices are allowed to be dissected and commented upon. They should expect to be critiqued, chastised, condemned, brutally attacked, vilified, besmirched and trampled by people who have pre-judged and formed a few erroneous assumptions based on creative performances, tabloid fodder and late-night talk show interviews. Let me give you a clear example. Lauren Paley, otherwise known as the Stairwell Siren posted a video of herself singing Part of Your World with her baby, crawling behind her, visibly enchanted by her personal Disney princess-type mother. A follower commented, verbatim, “You put on make up and got dressed to pretend it is about your baby liking your singing. Lol.” Lauren replied very positively and wished the person well.

Spelling these theories out in black and white, one can argue that the logic is somewhat faulty. This author thinks that the root of all the negativity is envy and insecurity. The green-eyed monster can rear its ugly head and manifest in various ways. Personal story time! Back in 2012, my one and only serious romantic dalliance ended and my heart literally broke. My sister-wife took me dancing to cheer me up. Long story short, I introduced her to her future hubby. In my gloom and despair, I mixed up my heartbreak pain with my friend’s blossoming love. I stewed in my envy and jealousy, and had to keep my distance because her boyfriend’s presence reminded me of my failure and unlovability. Whenever we were together, I would say petty, snide comments, just to hurt my friend. I could not stand all her happy, lovey-ness.

With therapy and faith, I have worked hard to sustain my joy. Right now, every morning, I choose to be happy and content. Any piece of good news from my peoples, I wholeheartedly and genuinely celebrate. I rejoice and shout from the rooftops. There is literally no time or desire to tear anyone down online or IRL. My loved ones are all beautifully epic, majestic creatures with oodles of talent, charisma and heart. Believe me, I know, my optimism can come across as obnoxious and annoying. It would not be the first time someone said that.  

My diatribe may seem a tad preachy. Believe me, that was not my intention. After all, the expletives and hurtful statements are indicative of the world shrieking in agony because a lot of people are lost, uncentred and the opposite of grounded, searching for connection. One of the things that I saw in the pandemic, was the solidarity and limitless kindness we are capable of showing. A man in Italy would play his violin on his balcony every night so his neighbours would be entertained. People would clap for the healthcare workers on the frontline, every evening for several months to show their appreciation. Several musicians performed on Instagram lives partly to protect their sanity, but also to give people something to look forward to, to feel a little less alone. Strangers dropped off groceries at each other’s doorstep, so families could nourish themselves. Ms. Khloe Kardashian said it best in her most recent podcast episode with Mr Jay Shetty. If people strive to be 5 per cent kinder, the world would be a better place. Life is obviously not all puppies, snowflakes, rainbows and kittens. However, if we remember that we are human underneath it all and extend a more caring hand to others, we may think twice about tearing down strangers on the worldwide web. We can focus on healing inner work instead of projecting our misery unto someone who is just trying to figure things out. Perfection is completely out of reach for everyone, but if we strive to be 5 per cent more understanding and 5 per cent kinder to ourselves, one may just find it unnecessary to leave a hateful comment on other people’s social media.